apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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