I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
