if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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