I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
