A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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