i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
