based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
