i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
