Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
