I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
