the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
