Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
