so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
