Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish you could order shots online.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
