tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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