I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
