My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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