I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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