woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
