You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
