So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
