why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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