Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You smell like stripper and shame
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
