Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
