what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
