Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
