So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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