He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
