We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
