Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
