we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
