stop calling my apartment porn island.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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