Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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