i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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