Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
