pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
birth control should be required to get into college
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
