I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
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