do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
