If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
