i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
