dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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