I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
