Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
