Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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