things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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