bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
