After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
