Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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