I haven't been this sober since birth.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
