I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
